Accused Insider Traders Ate Post-It Notes In Vain

I'm hard at work, as always, trying to build a foolproof insider-trading scheme. The central problem is that insider trading really has to be a two-person job: Anyone with regular access to inside information who also trades on it will be easy to catch, so you need an inside guy to get the information and an outside guy to trade on it. But how can you trust your partner? You can't, that's how, your partner will drop a dime on you in a second, even if you've been friends since Touro law school.1

So you should partner with a total stranger, someone whose name you don't even know. And you should avoid all electronic communication and just have in-person meetings. And just in case this stranger is wearing a wire, you should communicate by just writing tickers on Post-it notes and then eating the Post-its. Honestly, this plan is pretty great.